im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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