i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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