We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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