the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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