I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
