Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
