You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
