if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
