i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize