I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
