and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sext me about skeletons
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
