Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you will always have a special place in my vag
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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