1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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