she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Randomize
