the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
