I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
