Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
