he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize