remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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