This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My bed smells like the plague
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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