I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
