Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
