i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
