i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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