Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
