i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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