genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
