I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my being single is dangerous.
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I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
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I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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