You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
