Best friends brother. Beat that.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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