every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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