70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
