Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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