1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
