i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
