awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
