Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
