That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Couch. On fire.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
