life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
