This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
