It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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