p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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