Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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