U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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