This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
