I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
