I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
