Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
