Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
