fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
