So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
