she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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