I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
