When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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