checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
