Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
