Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
