plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
