And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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